Hi Isabelle! I enjoyed reading your story of Rama's Lament. One aspect I wish that both Indian Epics had was insight into the personal thoughts of the characters, and so I really enjoyed being able to see some of Rama's thoughts. One thing though that I might add or change was having Rama speaking in the first person perspective. I think this would add to the personal focus of the story and help the reader understand his sadness more. For example, I would love to hear more internal dialogue inside of Rama's mind. Also perhaps explaining where Lakshmana is could help the reader also get more of an idea how lonely Rama is. Since the focus is on his loneliness and being away from Sita, I think this would help with the main idea. Finally I think adding an intro to the portfolio would help the reader understand what is to come with your portfolio! Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story and will look forward to reading your next ones!
I read your "Rama's Lament" post on your project. I agree with Neal when he says that the Indian epics don't really go into detail about peoples' perspective on the situations dealt to them. I felt like your post was really well written. It really puts it into perspective how much trouble Rama went through in the epic. I couldn't imagine having your wife kidnapped from you and taken away for a long time. It's just sad that even though they got back together, she was forced to be exiled because the people didn't believe that she was still pure. Your authors note explained a lot of the feelings that you were trying to convey. The image that you chose for the banner adds to the emotional background of the story as well. I look forward to seeing more or your stories and how you decide to develop the characters in them.
Hello Isabelle, I believe you did a fantastic job of showing the idea of tragic love and how strong of a connection love can truly build. I would recommend using some dialogue between characters to show more depth into the analysis of characters. The story shows dramatic tension, which helps pull the attention of the audience. I also like the mysterious environment you built for your page with the full moon picture. Overall I believe you did a great job. I would recommend that you analyze further into the plot and create a bigger connection between characters. This will really help you showcase tougher emotions such as love much easier. I really like the formatting of your page, it is really easy to navigate and it is very well organized. I hope you get the chance to gain more insight into your plot, thus making your revision process much simpler.
Hello Isablle! You did an amazing job in your project! I like the layout of your portfolio! Every banner picture suited the page and theme! I personally enjoyed reading your story, Rama's Lament. I thought it was such a great and creative idea to show that part of the story after his exile and the emotions, pain, and confusion he must have felt at that tragic part of his life. You are really such a great writer because you conveyed his hurt and also his great love for sita so well!You also did a great job keeping the reader’s attention and keeping the dark tone that helped enage the reader further into the story. I really enjoyed this story because it shows the reader the vulnerability in Rama that wasn't quite seen in the original. I really have no suggestions! I look forward to reading your other stories! Have a great week!
Hi Isabelle, The IMAGERY in the story 'Rama's Lament' is AMAZING! Great job! The first sentence really draws the reader in and made me brace myself for an emotional and descriptive journey. I think the most powerful pieces were the parts where Rama's thoughts were directly shared with the reader. During certain areas of the story where Rama's thoughts are described but not directly shown, I didn't feel as attached or connected to his feelings. For example, "Rama knew he had to get back to her someday. He had to explain and apologize for what he had done. He knew he deserved the sadness he felt every day. But it kept him going on and pushing past all the empty days and lonely nights. He would come back for Sita, no matter what. Rama could only hope she knew that." In this section, maybe you could place "I will come back for Sita, no matter what. I only hope that she knows that." It makes it a little more personal and also breaks up the style of one paragraph to keep it diverse. You are amazingly talented, these are just suggestions! Sincerely, Rachel
Hi Isabelle, First off, great choices for banner photos as they seem to set the right mood. In "Rama's Lament", I think you did a very good job portraying Rama' s emotions and how he feels about Sita. At first, I was a bit confused as I did not realize the story was altered from original until about halfway through. I then reread it and it made a lot more sense as to why Sita was not with him. The author's note also does a good job at explaining that. One thing I noticed was that in the third to last paragraph, I think you meant "soul" and not "sole". Now onto "Greed". I like the "new" character you made in place of Hidimba. Greed seems much more sinister and cunning, making him more of a threat. I also like how you described Greed and gave him some more character.
Hey Isabelle, I am giving feedback on your story ' The Seven Daily Sins: Greed'. First off, I wanted to emphasize how smart it is to ask your classmates to clarify which story they are critiquing prior to their actual feedback; I think this will make editing a lot easier for you. Honestly, I do not have any advice on what you should change about this story because it is so perfectly written. I like how you used Hidimba to represent greed because I think it portrays his character nicely as one word. Of course, Bhima is always superior to others and I think it is clever to maintain his strength heroic nature throughout your stories. The connection you made to the 7 deadly sins to describe the dangers that each of the Pandava brothers faces is really interesting. I look forward to reading more of your stories as the weeks continue!
Hi Izzy! I'm commenting on your story "Rama's Lament." I am thoroughly impressed with the emotion that you imbued in this story. I particularly loved the part where Rama mentions that they will never get back the years of their youth that they spent apart because, for some reason, that sentiment hit really hard. I didn't like Rama in the original story, but I have to say that I really enjoy his character here because he feels more human. I had a hard time trying to figure out what feedback to give you so I settled on something that you could add to your story. It would be interesting if you could add a memory that Rama shares with Sita and give us a description of it within the text, equipped with actual dialogue and everything. I already have a strong grasp of Rama's feelings just from what you already have written here, but it would be solidified in my mind even more if I was able to read a memory of his shared between them. I really loved the emotion of this piece. Excellent work!
Isebelle, I really loved the images you picked for your portfolio! They help to set the mood and provide a jumpstart on the imagery for the story we’re going to read. I really liked how you are retelling these stories with different contexts, especially Rama’s Lament! It was really interesting to read a version that portrayed him as someone who didn’t want Sita to know the truth. It’s a good contrast from the original in that it opens up more possibilities for the end of the story. If Sita never went with him, she probably would not have been abducted, thus not giving Rama a reason to think of her as impure. However, because Rama told her he was no longer in love with her, it’s very possible she got over him! It would be interesting to read about how you would end the story! I’m excited to read more!
Hello Isabelle, love the design and layout of your homepage. Also great job picking the images. Your story depicts of the soul of Ramayana and was a very interesting read. It is a good comparison from the original version with a little twist to it. Overall, I enjoyed your writing style and looking forward to read more !
Hi Isebelle! Your first story, "Rama's Latent," was very well written and detailed in such a way that the reader could truly dive into the story and almost feel the heartbreak that Rama is enduring all alone. You depicted his loneliness in a chilling way, giving insight to his depression and thoughts of ending his life but also included the ultimate reason for why he had not ended it all for himself -- hope. Hope that he would see Sita again one day. The changes you made in your version of the story definitely gave me an enriched experience in comparison to the original. I like that Rama isn't quite as passive with his unearned punishment -- instead, he is angry but still deals with it in an honorable way. You did a very great job of retelling this story and it made me super excited to read your second story in your portfolio! Your second story, "Greed: The Seven Deadly Sins" was also very well written and an enjoyable read. You did a very great job of making sure that you don't leave the reader with any loose ends or unanswered questions. That is something I noticed in your first story as well. Overall, your portfolio is coming along very nicely so good job!
Hi Isebelle, I am giving you feedback on your authors notes for your two stories. I believe you did a really good job with your author notes. You give in depth detail about the things you've changed. I like how you talked about your changes then talked about the original story. It makes me want to write my authors note the way you did. What I find most valuable in your authors note is the fact that how diversified and in depth your notes are. I really want to come back to look at all of your authors notes before the class is over to see what I can do better in mine. I think yours are great and I wouldn't change anything about them other than maybe talking more about the changes you had made, but maybe you didn't because you didn't make as many changes. Keep it up and I can't wait to read more.
Hi Isabelle! I enjoyed reading your story of Rama's Lament. One aspect I wish that both Indian Epics had was insight into the personal thoughts of the characters, and so I really enjoyed being able to see some of Rama's thoughts. One thing though that I might add or change was having Rama speaking in the first person perspective. I think this would add to the personal focus of the story and help the reader understand his sadness more. For example, I would love to hear more internal dialogue inside of Rama's mind. Also perhaps explaining where Lakshmana is could help the reader also get more of an idea how lonely Rama is. Since the focus is on his loneliness and being away from Sita, I think this would help with the main idea. Finally I think adding an intro to the portfolio would help the reader understand what is to come with your portfolio! Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story and will look forward to reading your next ones!
ReplyDeleteIsabelle,
ReplyDeleteI read your "Rama's Lament" post on your project. I agree with Neal when he says that the Indian epics don't really go into detail about peoples' perspective on the situations dealt to them. I felt like your post was really well written. It really puts it into perspective how much trouble Rama went through in the epic. I couldn't imagine having your wife kidnapped from you and taken away for a long time. It's just sad that even though they got back together, she was forced to be exiled because the people didn't believe that she was still pure. Your authors note explained a lot of the feelings that you were trying to convey. The image that you chose for the banner adds to the emotional background of the story as well. I look forward to seeing more or your stories and how you decide to develop the characters in them.
Hello Isabelle, I believe you did a fantastic job of showing the idea of tragic love and how strong of a connection love can truly build. I would recommend using some dialogue between characters to show more depth into the analysis of characters. The story shows dramatic tension, which helps pull the attention of the audience. I also like the mysterious environment you built for your page with the full moon picture. Overall I believe you did a great job. I would recommend that you analyze further into the plot and create a bigger connection between characters. This will really help you showcase tougher emotions such as love much easier. I really like the formatting of your page, it is really easy to navigate and it is very well organized. I hope you get the chance to gain more insight into your plot, thus making your revision process much simpler.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Isablle!
ReplyDeleteYou did an amazing job in your project! I like the layout of your portfolio! Every banner picture suited the page and theme! I personally enjoyed reading your story, Rama's Lament. I thought it was such a great and creative idea to show that part of the story after his exile and the emotions, pain, and confusion he must have felt at that tragic part of his life. You are really such a great writer because you conveyed his hurt and also his great love for sita so well!You also did a great job keeping the reader’s attention and keeping the dark tone that helped enage the reader further into the story. I really enjoyed this story because it shows the reader the vulnerability in Rama that wasn't quite seen in the original. I really have no suggestions! I look forward to reading your other stories! Have a great week!
Hi Isabelle,
ReplyDeleteThe IMAGERY in the story 'Rama's Lament' is AMAZING! Great job! The first sentence really draws the reader in and made me brace myself for an emotional and descriptive journey. I think the most powerful pieces were the parts where Rama's thoughts were directly shared with the reader. During certain areas of the story where Rama's thoughts are described but not directly shown, I didn't feel as attached or connected to his feelings. For example, "Rama knew he had to get back to her someday. He had to explain and apologize for what he had done. He knew he deserved the sadness he felt every day. But it kept him going on and pushing past all the empty days and lonely nights. He would come back for Sita, no matter what. Rama could only hope she knew that." In this section, maybe you could place "I will come back for Sita, no matter what. I only hope that she knows that." It makes it a little more personal and also breaks up the style of one paragraph to keep it diverse. You are amazingly talented, these are just suggestions!
Sincerely,
Rachel
Hi Isabelle,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, great choices for banner photos as they seem to set the right mood. In "Rama's Lament", I think you did a very good job portraying Rama' s emotions and how he feels about Sita. At first, I was a bit confused as I did not realize the story was altered from original until about halfway through. I then reread it and it made a lot more sense as to why Sita was not with him. The author's note also does a good job at explaining that. One thing I noticed was that in the third to last paragraph, I think you meant "soul" and not "sole". Now onto "Greed". I like the "new" character you made in place of Hidimba. Greed seems much more sinister and cunning, making him more of a threat. I also like how you described Greed and gave him some more character.
Hey Isabelle, I am giving feedback on your story ' The Seven Daily Sins: Greed'. First off, I wanted to emphasize how smart it is to ask your classmates to clarify which story they are critiquing prior to their actual feedback; I think this will make editing a lot easier for you. Honestly, I do not have any advice on what you should change about this story because it is so perfectly written. I like how you used Hidimba to represent greed because I think it portrays his character nicely as one word. Of course, Bhima is always superior to others and I think it is clever to maintain his strength heroic nature throughout your stories. The connection you made to the 7 deadly sins to describe the dangers that each of the Pandava brothers faces is really interesting. I look forward to reading more of your stories as the weeks continue!
ReplyDeleteHi Izzy!
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting on your story "Rama's Lament." I am thoroughly impressed with the emotion that you imbued in this story. I particularly loved the part where Rama mentions that they will never get back the years of their youth that they spent apart because, for some reason, that sentiment hit really hard. I didn't like Rama in the original story, but I have to say that I really enjoy his character here because he feels more human.
I had a hard time trying to figure out what feedback to give you so I settled on something that you could add to your story. It would be interesting if you could add a memory that Rama shares with Sita and give us a description of it within the text, equipped with actual dialogue and everything. I already have a strong grasp of Rama's feelings just from what you already have written here, but it would be solidified in my mind even more if I was able to read a memory of his shared between them.
I really loved the emotion of this piece. Excellent work!
Isebelle,
ReplyDeleteI really loved the images you picked for your portfolio! They help to set the mood and provide a jumpstart on the imagery for the story we’re going to read. I really liked how you are retelling these stories with different contexts, especially Rama’s Lament! It was really interesting to read a version that portrayed him as someone who didn’t want Sita to know the truth. It’s a good contrast from the original in that it opens up more possibilities for the end of the story. If Sita never went with him, she probably would not have been abducted, thus not giving Rama a reason to think of her as impure. However, because Rama told her he was no longer in love with her, it’s very possible she got over him! It would be interesting to read about how you would end the story! I’m excited to read more!
Hello Isabelle, love the design and layout of your homepage. Also great job picking the images. Your story depicts of the soul of Ramayana and was a very interesting read. It is a good comparison from the original version with a little twist to it. Overall, I enjoyed your writing style and looking forward to read more !
ReplyDeleteHi Isebelle! Your first story, "Rama's Latent," was very well written and detailed in such a way that the reader could truly dive into the story and almost feel the heartbreak that Rama is enduring all alone. You depicted his loneliness in a chilling way, giving insight to his depression and thoughts of ending his life but also included the ultimate reason for why he had not ended it all for himself -- hope. Hope that he would see Sita again one day. The changes you made in your version of the story definitely gave me an enriched experience in comparison to the original. I like that Rama isn't quite as passive with his unearned punishment -- instead, he is angry but still deals with it in an honorable way. You did a very great job of retelling this story and it made me super excited to read your second story in your portfolio! Your second story, "Greed: The Seven Deadly Sins" was also very well written and an enjoyable read. You did a very great job of making sure that you don't leave the reader with any loose ends or unanswered questions. That is something I noticed in your first story as well. Overall, your portfolio is coming along very nicely so good job!
ReplyDeleteHi Isebelle,
ReplyDeleteI am giving you feedback on your authors notes for your two stories. I believe you did a really good job with your author notes. You give in depth detail about the things you've changed. I like how you talked about your changes then talked about the original story. It makes me want to write my authors note the way you did. What I find most valuable in your authors note is the fact that how diversified and in depth your notes are. I really want to come back to look at all of your authors notes before the class is over to see what I can do better in mine. I think yours are great and I wouldn't change anything about them other than maybe talking more about the changes you had made, but maybe you didn't because you didn't make as many changes. Keep it up and I can't wait to read more.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete